She doesn't know what to do.
Though, granted, she never does anymore. She feels like her grasp on things is slipping away again... But she's not so sure if she minds like she used to.
But that's another thing she's unsure of.
She's happy she didn't lose him. Losing him would mean losing herself. Though, she wonders, maybe she's supposed to. Maybe she'd be losing a part of her she's supposed to lose. But... She doesn't care, because she can't lose him. It doesn't matter, herself, she thinks. She doesn't matter as long as he and everyone else is happy.
But for that to happen... She has to be happy.
She just doesn't know how to be happy. She's tried so hard and almost made it, but she's slipping again. But she doesn't seem to mind this time.
Maybe that's what she should do different this time. Not mind. But minding is part of her... Something that makes her, her. But it also causes all her problems.
Maybe... Maybe she should let that go so others will be happier. She values others more, anyways. Her happiness... Mirrors those she cares about.
She does care about everyone though...
This could end in tragedy, in confusion, in terror for her. This could be everything she's trying to avoid all over again. This could be the end of her forever.
But... She doesn't seem to mind.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Every time the song starts, I think of you. When it hits the fourth verse... and the music changes, the piano plays, and the lyrics are sung, I start to shake, tears come to my eyes, and I smile. Then I get the urge to message you, to talk to you, to see you, to kiss you, to love you. But this happens, to the same extent, every time.
The words, the music, the emotion contained within the song... Is all so very true. I absolutely feel it, so indescribably much, towards you. I love you.
Monday, March 28, 2011
She got bored today. It was the first time she'd had nothing to do for awhile. She didn't like it. As one to always seek adventure, she went out biking. It was still a bit chilly for biking just yet, but she can't handle boredom. She'd go crazy. So, she set out for some place to bike, with something good to eat.
She knew a place close enough to bike to from her house. She started off, down her neighborhood like always. When she hit the street though, she knew something was up.
Everyone was after her.
She quickened her speed and got as far as she could, trying her best to avoid the road, where she new she was an easy target against motor vehicles. The people had sharp eyes, blank stares with no positive emotion. They stared at her, as though to shoot her with their eyes. She moved faster.
About half way to her destination, she was stopped at a place she couldn't take a bike, but it was her only way to get there. She debated on going back... But decided against it. She was so close, she can make it. She'd already come this far. It was her mission.
She got off and ran the bike through the area, and then continued on.
She was biking at a normal pace, keeping an eye out for those hunting her down, when she spotted two of her persecutors coming close. She biked at full speed to avoid the two on foot, who were plotting a way to capture her to be rid of her, but she sped off just in time.
She was about to arrive at her destination, but directly in front of it, was a trap. A thousand people out to get her drove around her in cars and trucks, some getting out to make a dash to catch her. She had to move quick. She turned her bike around and sped through behind the place, and as fast as she could, ditched her bike and jumped into the safety of her destination.
Feeling safe now, she caught her breath and watched her persecutors walk and drive away outside the walls of the place. She cooly walked up to the register, and ordered a coffee. She wondered at the people passing outside, if they'd try to steal her means of transportation. They didn't.
She drank her coffee, feeling rewarded for what she'd just gone through, and sat down to relax. She people watched, feeling alright about the world, listened.
When she finished her drink, she set out into the cold again, grabbed her bike, and started off again. In her new relaxed state, she traveled at a normal pace. That is, until she saw her persecutors chasing after her in a car.
She sped off at full speed.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
She swore she just couldn't hold on anymore. She had been now, for many years. She didn't want to be held back anymore, she wanted to be free.
The only reason she couldn't, was those around her. Yeah, she cared about them dearly, but they've dampening her wings ever since she could form an opinion that was just hers.
Lately, they've done more than that. They poured a huge shit-ton-a water on those wings of hers. How could she fly? She needed to fly.
You can't hold her back. It's just wrong. Against her purpose.
So she decided she was done with holding back, pleasing others, waiting. She left, went out of her being.
But that's just the thing. She went out of her being. Her being was being who she was now. Yeah, her wings get dampened, but she's got a towel. She just doesn't know how to use it yet.
So, she went until she couldn't went no more.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
She always did tend to have a lot of emotion.
"Just a reminder, I guess... No matter what, no matter what goes down or up, no matter how often we hurt each other or make fools of ourselves, no matter what we look like or how we look at things, no matter how hard we laugh or how bitterly we cry, no matter if we 'hate' each other or 'love' each other, no matter if we're curled up in a ball gasping for air because our tears are literally drowning us with physical and mental pain or we're just shedding a single tear, no matter where we are now or where we end up... I will always be there for you. You may believe me with every inch of your soul or spit at this with every inch of your being, but I know I mean it. I hope you do too."
She didn't do specifics very often. But this was specifically... to a list of people, and to... well, basically anyone.
She just kinda... loves.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
She wondered if it was 'bad' if you couldn't answer the question 'Who are you?'
She saw people who knew all about themselves. They knew their own style, their own manner of speaking, what slang they used, how they typed, how they acted, what they did.
Some had everything down.
She was always saying how 'she was still figuring out who she was.' She had been saying that phrase for some time now. Then it hit her.
Maybe... Maybe people aren't supposed to know who they are. As they continue on through life, they change. There really isn't a constant.
When people ask 'Who are you?' the usual response is a name. What they're called by. They don't respond with details about themselves. So maybe 'Who are you?' is really 'What's your name?'
People have characteristics. Someone might be able to answer 'Who are you right now?' But they cannot answer 'Who are you?' as a general forever. You just never know.
So she'll stick to her usual answer, and need no explanation.
'I am Kayla.'
Sunday, December 26, 2010
There doesn't always have to be a reason.
Doing things on a whim can lead to adventures, new places, new faces, new experiences, new perspective. Sometimes you just gotta do it to do it.
A person may be looked upon with doubt and confusion at the mention of trying something seemingly random, but that person may lead you to something you never even imagined experiencing.
She wanted an adventure. Wanted something new. Not really a reason for it, just a want. An almost need.
'Can we just drive somewhere random?' She asked him out of pure intuition, or maybe instinct? Maybe just a general attraction. She wasn't sure.
'I mean, let's not know where we're going. Let's go somewhere we haven't been and just drive.'
He was fine with it, but they ended up getting the idea to go to their park instead. They wanted to walk the trails in the winter.
It had ended up being too cold. They went back to her place and watched a movie.
The night had ended well. She was falling for him and he for her, but that wasn't the point in this sense.
Though that point being bigger than this, she still never went on her adventure. She forgot.
It wasn't a big deal. But it could be.
- My name is Kayla... my friends sometimes call me Sotapop or Lala or Kaykay, but mostly just Kayla. I love music, it's my life. But I'd give my life to save a person. I'm obsessed with the 80's, I enjoy fedoras and berets, I love friends and the beach, and I am a hopeless romantic. I believe everyone has their own personal relationship or walk with the Lord. As for mine, I love Jesus very much. If you care to know more, just ask.